Long time no see dear friends. It has been quite some time, and that is totally on me. To be honest, I just lost my passion for this blog. I’ve been involved with a new position and writing for other passion projects. But with everything going on in the world and everything that has happened in my life, I knew I had to get back to this.
I went through the loss of a relationship this year. This was a person I believed I would marry. But alas, things happened as they sometimes tragically do. Buried traumas come to light. Lies get told. Defense mechanisms go up. You try to compromise where you can and grow and change and ensure your relationship does the same. But sometimes, the other person just is no longer interested.
Sometimes, what you thought was love was really an unfulfilled longing. You long for companionship so you ignore every red flag and press onward as the ship keeps sinking further and further into the depths of bitterness, misery, and despair.
Sometimes, you find out you didn’t really know a person at all and perhaps they didn’t really know you or cared to at all. Some people are only out for themselves and relationships and people are just a means to an end, discarded when they are no longer “useful.”
Still, people can grow apart. But if you truly want a person as your partner for life, you figure out how to facilitate good changes and growth in each other and make common goals as well. Obviously, any kind of neglect, abuse, infidelity, or other foolishness are definite dealbreakers and means to not walk away but run.
Relationships, like everything else in life in our fallen state, are messy and get complicated. You can’t do them alone. you need God’s guidance in your relationships just like every other part of life and you need the support and guidance of wise, loving mentors and peers. But the question remains, when is enough, enough? When do you walk away?
That answer varies from situation to situation. Aside from the dealbreakers listed above, you have to ask yourself what those are. Ideally, you need to figure those out before you get into a relationship. It will save you and someone else a lot of time and heartache.
For me, it was when my partner just gave up. It was sad to see. Now let me say, I have serious flaws. I’m not innocent. I did realize my need for change and expressed that to my partner and expressed my concerns about our relationship and where I wanted us to go. My partner just…stopped. Stopped any discussion. Stopped communicating. Stopped caring. This isn’t me trying to draw you to my team, but rather to paint a picture of circumstances that can happen in any relationship. My partner walked away in their heart and mind, so I had to finally speak out and end things in the open. It hurts.
It is a pain that comes in waves. I will go through my day and be fine, but one song or book or painting might remind me of my partner, and I just get flooded with grief. Grief over losing someone I invited into my innermost parts and who became a part of me. I feel the whole gauntlet of emotions. The regret over having gotten involved with them at all, the guilt over my mistakes, the anger over their hurtful words and actions, and the sadness of not having them around anymore.
There is no precise formula for healing and getting to that point of being “over it.” You don’t get over it per se, but you do get through the healing process and come out a wiser, more aware person on the other side. Depending on your personality and other traits, you will turn to different ways to heal. That might include picking up a new hobby, traveling somewhere new, or just spending some time with family and friends. Of course, unhealthy coping mechanisms are a temptation. Drinking, self-harm, and promiscuity will only add new layers of pain and regret. Please, do not turn to such things.
You did not waste your time. Time spent trying to love and care for someone else and better the bond you had with them is not a waste. You loved. You learned. You do not need to harbor hatred for the other person or yourself. If you truly did your best and gave your all, then walk away with your head high and embrace that peace that comes from knowing that. If you didn’t do your best and know you still have some issues to work through, then do that and go through that process. Either way, embrace this chance to become a better person.
Above all else, remember that God loves you and there are people in your life who love you and new people you will meet down the road who will love you too. You are not unloveable, unworthy, or damaged goods. Broken glass can make a mosaic. New life can sprout from the ashes of a wildfire. This too shall pass. You too will love, laugh, and live again.
I will write to you all again soon. This is just a new beginning.
I also ask you to please remember and pray for the victims of the floods in Kentucky and those dealing with grief from humanmade and natural disasters worldwide. Give your time, money, or whatever you are being led to do to help. Let’s help each other heal.
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